How To Throw a Family Party

Yesterday, we had a family party. With some trepidation, we invited an 80 something, two 70 some things (the 80 some things ex-wife and current GIRL FRIEND, but don’t worry – get them on the subject of chewing gum or the state of the pavements and all will be well), plenty of cousins, sisters, brothers, in-laws, a couple of children and an uber polite student who prefers orange squash to free booze. Is that weird?

Anyway, if you decide that you have any energy left to do something similar, here are some hints and tips:

Ø Make Snowballs. Even wine snobs will love em. You could chuck a few Babyshams into the mix too for a retro, Barbara Windsor style sophistication.
Ø Buy as much tin foil and kitchen roll as you can find. And, don’t bother trying to wipe up spills as they happen – just give up and do it all when they have gone home.
Ø Home made pork pie is far more popular than home made cheese and organic veggie tart.
Ø Anyone over 50 has a deep distrust of fig, mozzarella and Serrano ham rolls. They would much rather have a corned beef and pickle sarnie.
Ø Don’t try to encourage children and young people to eat healthily. Just keep the mini hot sausages coming and the crisp bowls (ours were the size of buckets) full. Doritos and Skips are popular (other brands of saturated fat and e-numbers are available).
Ø Avoid telly chef pretensions – calling your chocolate log a “Buche de Noel” just gets sniggers from your nearest and dearest.
Ø Even if you think you have made enough food to last a normal family well into the New Year, don’t panic after the first round. Serve puddings and yet more booze and leave the rest of it where it is – by the end of the party it will all be gone. People cannot resist picking especially if they have a drink. Going for another nibble is also a great excuse if you are trapped with a bore.
Ø If you want to offer your guests something to take away, you may find that wedges of pork pie is again a popular choice.